The One With the Fantasy Suites

Where did we leave off? Right, Andi Dorfman just decided to show up on a totally planned and staged stint created by the lovely producers. Classic. Love it. Obviously, or else we would have been done with this Bachelor franchise years ago. Yet, low and behold - Andi (aka Nick's first public 'true' love) shows up at his hotel door to offer....love advice? We are not too sure the purpose of this encounter, but we know it is making everyone feel uncomfortable. Time for the fantasy suite talk...with your ex, who you obviously also had a fantasy date with previously. “I’m not gonna get engaged just because I am the bachelor. Just because she is the last woman standing, doesn’t mean I am going to get engaged” - DEAR SWEET BABY JESUS WHY ARE WE WATCHING THIS SHOW?! Glad that is now over. Let's move on.

Rose Ceremony (finally):

The final four find out their fate with Nick with these final three roses. Final roses are given out to Raven, Rachel, and Vanessa. Bye bye Corinne! We can finally say bye to you and your platinum vagine, however, we didn't hate her once Taylor was out of the picture. The fact that we’re not emotionally charged just goes to show that this season was the worst. We cannot tell if she is crying for real? It sounds really fake - defs fake crying... Don't worry gurl, Raquel will heal you. “I want to go to sleep” - Corinne’s last words on the Bachelor.

[GIF credit: ABC Network]

Onward to Finland! It seems that Nick was reading a tourist pamphlet when describing this beautiful country filled with reindeer!

Date #1 - Raven:

We start off we a classic helicopter ride over the beautiful scenery and then they end up at some Finnish bar playing darts with some "professional" dart players (apparently that is a thing). They are talking about hometown dates and how they are close to their parents, which we guess it kind of cute. They talk about cooking and laundry - real talks.

Why are people so free to tell the world about their sex life, or in Raven's case..lack of sex life? Apparently she has never had an orgasm and has only slept with one man. That's cool. Not awkward at all. How old is she again? Anyways, dinner portion of the night brings us to a beautiful log cabin and a lovely plate of food that they won't eat, as per usual. Raven finally spills the beans that she is in love with Nick and it is both awkward and sort of cute? We don't really know how to take this. Bring on the fantasy suite letter - wow that is a long ass letter Chris Harrison...was it always this long?

[GIF credit: ABC Network]

The morning after and Raven just basically indirectly, but not really indirectly mentioned that she slept with Nick and that he did the deed to satisfy her orgasm-less self.

Date #2 - Rachel:

First off, this is super hard to get into this date because we know she is the next Bachelorette and we are so ready to start that season and be done with this one. Okay, so they go cross country skiing and see reindeer, which is AWESOME! And now they end up on a magical sleigh ride?! “Do you mind if I call you St. Nick?” - Rachel; YES WE DO MIND! Don’t ruin Santa for the sake of all our inner child. [Photo credit: ABC Network]

Rachel is too nervous about telling Nick that she is falling in love with him. “I like strong people, I like strong women.” - WOMEN ARE PEOPLE! Apparently Nick is not 100% sure how to answer any of Rachel's concerns, which is painfully awkward. She is too intellectual for these games and needs someone to challenge her! The fantasy suite card suite should just say “Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir?” and be done with it.

The morning after, we are not sure if they actually slept together or just had some real grown up conversations, but we are loving Rachel's penguin onesie!

Date #3 - Vanessa:

Did they all just receive matching hats?! What a great idea Finland! Let's jump into the freezing cold water because that sounds wild and smart! Then let’s go into a sauna to warm up...and then go back out again! Vanessa is enjoying this WAY more than Nick is, in his little blue speedo. Not a good look bud, not a good look.

[GIF credit: ABC Network]

Real conversations only happen between Vanessa and Nick. They both don't want to compromise their lives - well they are going to have to try! Vanessa's got to go to Nonna's on Sunday - family is family and he cannot tell her to compromise on that. So Nick cannot picture himself living in Canada because he is too proud of be an American? OKAY BUD! *cue Molson Canadian commercial* "I AM CANADIAN!!" Fight for Canada, girl. He doesn't even have a real career - he probably hasn't had one in years and now he is on Dancing with the Stars - WHY?!

In our opinion, she is WAY too good for him. I know she loves him and all, but no idea how they are going to get over these conflicts.

Rose ceremony:

Wow, two in a row! Nick is going to cry again..here we go, bring on the water works! Raven and Vanessa get the final two roses! See you reaaaaaallll soon Rachel, and we PRAY your season isn't as bad as this has been.

Until next time...

- The TV Diaries